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full.CIRCLE. full.BLOOM.

I am starting to understand God's performance pattern in my life. On what sometimes feels like my very worst days, HE is doing his absolute best work.

Mother's Day is traditionally the worst day of the year for me because I grew up without my mother present in a positive manner past the age of nine. Mental Illness took her away from my siblings and me before all of us were of double-digit ages, my youngest sister was still a toddler. At a young age, I became an assistant caregiver for my siblings with no manual and I also had to figure out how to navigate my own needs and my own way in life. I came of age as a young woman with no handbook, no strong female guidance, nor real feminine influence, and a heart that just longed for the validation of her mother's love.

By the time I graduated high school I knew that I did not want children.....

But God had other plans. The two children that I am blessed to have healed me, each in their own way. Stewarding consistently in motherhood prepaid some things that I had no idea even cost.

I woke up today at 9:00 am EST in tears. It is Mother's Day here in America, a very celebrated holiday. For me, Mother's Day has always been a day of uncertainty, uncomfortableness, mental duress, and emotional anguish. It just has not always been a pleasant day for me. I have put on a smiley face and purchased flowers for years to make my mother and other mothers feel valued, but for me, it has never been a day filled with a personal happy heart. This morning, the first thing I said out loud was "How do you wake up in tears??? Why am I crying??" Well, I'll tell you why. God has been working on this day my entire adult life. While my life assignment is far from complete, today a portion of it came full circle and a curse was broken. Today, in a room full of digital flowers I also received a bouquet of spiritually understood flowers. Each was watered by my tears. Each was received by my spirit. Each resonated within my soul.

I am 41. My children are young adults, the youngest graduates at the end of May. I have a sound mind, I am in pretty good health, and my heart is in a forward progression of healing whole. My mother did not get to experience the fullness of living for and loving her children in the capacity that she could have. By the age of 16 she had lost her heart, by the age of 30 she had lost her mind to mental illness, and by the age of 42 she had come extremely close to losing her life to a massive stroke.

I understand tonight as I am typing, now as the tears that have been flowing since I opened my eyes have stopped that today was a divinely timed release of everything carried within my heart, my mind, my back, and my shoulders for the daughters in my family to this point. There has indeed been a curse broken and a promise made generations ago KEPT.

And..I would have it no other way.

Today is the first Mother's Day that I will close my eyes feeling lighter than when I first opened them. To those impacted by the journey of motherhood..

Those who have lost a mother, I understand. To those who have just become mothers and have no clue what they are doing, I understand. To those who yearn for a mother's love, I understand. To those who have mothered others, I understand.

It is to your hearts that I write tonight. Stay your course, stay your path. Trust God along the way no matter what that way may look like or the challenge it may bring. There comes a juncture in the path where the promise meets the process and you will indeed experience beauty for ashes and peace for your pain. I am here today and I can most certainly tell you that God wastes NOTHING.

~Healing Is A #HeartPosture ~ Kesh C.


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