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the INzone

We broke up in November. I accepted that he moved on in December. January had me opening up to new possibilities with a new year mindset. February helped me see that I wasn't ready. March......the bottom fell out. And we April, slightly shellshocked and still processing forward towards a better place.

I've given the timeline for the demise of my most recent relationship to provide context for the heart space I write from today. It is important to understand where someone is coming from in order to meet them where they are and how they are. Today, I am walking past a fork in my heart's most recent crossroads, getting here has been a very challenging journey. The last few have weeks brought forward several truths I did not expect but was not necessarily shocked to see or hear. The truth wasn't the problem. My reactions to it in certain moments were. I have been in a very triggered space of wanting to expose someone I once said "I love you" to. That doesn't even sound right being uttered in the same sentence, so imagine the feelings and thoughts that led up to those moments in the first place. I did not think the woman that I have become would find herself in a space of heartbreak powered by ego, gross manipulation, and blatant recklessness at the age of 40/41. life has no manual here I am and here I write.

I want to hone in on the desire to expose because on more than one occasion I found myself ready to pull the trigger, sending rounds downrange towards someone's life I knew would cause severe harm in many areas that I would not be able to take back. I knew and still know that I have the power to destroy someone else's character; to match in truth what they attempted to do to mine through lies, but at what profit and what cost on my end? I cannot sit here and tell you that I counted the cost each time these feelings arose in my heart and mind. What I can tell you is that each and every time I felt the urge attempt to turn into action, someone well placed in my life showed up almost strategically to somehow get me back in the right frame of heart and mind. I was reminded each time of the relationship exit prayer I prayed back in November; "Father, bind my hands in the moments where I feel like I need to fight a battle in my heart that you have already won for me with your hands." You could call these breakdown moments divine intervention or simply answered prayer depending on how and what you believe. I call them God's healing heart pauses because each time this desire to expose arose, I have had to ask myself "Where is THIS coming from???" The question is one thing, the accountability in the answer is another.

For many years, I have had people come into my life hiding under an image of goodness while being fully led by their agenda and how I could benefit their life. The end result in those relationships has always been the truth in time uncovering lies, manipulation, character defamation, lack of accountability, and cowardice. These were not just relationships with men, they have been inclusive of women that have called me "Sis" and "Friend." I have always had to stand in these moments, feeling absolutely helpless, while someone that could no longer use me for their ill-aligned gain attempted to destroy my character publicly. I had to be the "bigger person" be in a place of grace later on down the line when they were finally forced to offer up a half-hearted, insincere apology that was more to save their face than really be accountable. This extremely strong desire to expose came from that place and having been misused by that pattern of others' behavior. I realize it is still a wound within me that has to be healed fully. It was well on its way but the scab was ripped off by this last personal encounter. The beautiful thing is that I am choosing to allow that space to be healed by God's hand in time rather than rushing into another relationship. Too often we try to bandage our heart wounds with another person's presence just to end up damaging them and ourselves more. I cannot and will not have that on my hands or in my life book.

I want you to know that hurt and anger are healthy emotions, and so is wanting to get even when someone has wronged you. These are raw human emotions that need to be felt in their full capacity. Too often the people around us are the very ones to diminish how we feel or why we feel a way. It is unhealthy for someone to tell you how to feel when they are not the person in your seat or your shoes. The reality is if you can't feel and won't feel, you may not be alive. BUT. Don't just "feel." Deal with and become accountable for why you feel that way because THAT is the game-changer. Personal accountability does not diminish how you feel, it challenges why you feel that way. For me, it has allowed me to take the focus and blame off of others and has helped me understand what needs to be well within my soul for my future. This space has taught me a lot and shown me more. I couldn't push past it even if I wanted to. I encourage you to do the same. SIT with your feelings, it will help you get out of them. The things you avoid sitting and dealing with now will certainly show up in some form later. Don't let them, you deserve better and you deserve to be better.

As we think in our hearts, so are we. Be Better. It's in you.

~Healing Is A #HeartPosture~ Kesh C.


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