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who can i run to...

I did not think there would be a session this month because of the heart space I am currently in. Right now, I am sitting in and healing through one of the most challenging places I have been in my personal life in quite some time. I cannot describe how betrayed I feel by my own vulnerability, yet at the same time how proud of myself I am for allowing myself to feel everything I am feeling right now, even in this very moment.

It does not go unnoticed that February is a big month for many of us, from honoring Black History Month to celebrating Valentine's Day. It is also Heart Awareness Month (see how God works?😉).

It is with heart awareness in mind that I write to you today. I feel as though I am living and will finally fully understand what it means to "guard your heart with due diligence" as I heal through this. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of that but what I realize as I sit in my healing space is that no matter how many walls you have up nor how many boundaries you place around your heart, we all have the same innate desire to be loved. The reality is another person will not ever make you whole nor will they ever be able to love you in the right fashion until they first find love within themselves. I also have a completely different revelation on how what we perceive in our heart governs the majority of what we do in our lives. No relationship is exempt from that. Everything from the criteria we choose in our relationships, to our friendships, right down to how we raise our children is impacted by the condition and capacity of our heart space. Our actions, thoughts, and interactions all find themselves linked back to our inward heart condition. Call it human nature or just a very present real-life lesson on the wisdom Solomon gave us in Proverbs.

So what is love and what does love mean to you?

That is a heavy question I am having to re-ask myself right now, so I want you to ask yourself the same thing. I have a partial answer because I know love is a continually active choice as well as a decision, not an emotion. The way each of us gives love as well as the way we receive love comes from somewhere. To handle a person in love means to handle them righteously even when they are handling you wrong. I have not always done that, I still stumble with it at times, but can say that I have become better about it overall.

Who taught you how to love?

That is part B, clause 307 to this heavy question. It is a necessary question because if you really take a close look at the nature of your relationships, you'll find that many of them are not based on love nor love for the other party. If you're truly transparent you may find that your relationships may be based on provision, status, image, clout, and other things that have nothing to do with love. Is it love or is it just beneficial and comfortable to your lifestyle? You may find that you are entertaining mirrors of your own heart and what your heart has been trained to call "love."

Who do you run to when you need love?

Let this be rhetorical for you. What I have found while sitting in this space is that somehow and someway, after each disappointment, I run back into the safe space of God's presence. It is in this space, I am able to process, deal with myself, and feel how I need to feel for my healing. I am able to ask myself some hard questions and accept the reality of the transparent answers. I am able to take ownership and accept personal accountability for my own heart and heart actions.

It is from that transparent space that I write to you today. It is from this safe place that I am able to rest in my vulnerability, knowing that it is okay to not be okay, nor pretend to be. I want to encourage you to examine your own heart and become aware of the issues within it. Ask the hard questions. Accept the reality of the answers and make a commitment to yourself to deal with what you find. In true fashion, whatever we are dealing with in our hearts will somehow find its way into how we handle things in our everyday lives.

Love is indeed a behavior just like Healing, after all, is a heart posture. ~ Kesh C.


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