the morning after....

#afterthemorningafter #howdidigethere #afterthenightbefore

In December 2019 I published a 21-day personal accountability journal. It was a heart assignment that I knew had to be completed, the deadline in my soul was December 31st.

I had the flu and had a dream that my nephew Eli was standing over me with his little hands out praying over me as I was sleeping. I remember waking up the morning after that dream making the decision to push through the fog of sickness so that I could do what I knew I needed to do.

I found out later in the day that I wasn't dreaming after all. My little prayer warrior had indeed stretched his hands out over me, lol. At the time, Kung Fu Panda was one of his favorite movies. He told me as he was snuggled up in my arms helping me decide the cover for the journal " Titi, I stretched my healing paws out and prayed that God would make you better so that you could do what you needed to do. Was this what you needed to do Titi?" It's 2022 and after many copies sold and gifted, I can say it was most certainly what I needed to do.

That morning after in 2019 was just as necessary as this morning after in 2022. I find myself currently in the third week of my journal dealing with the last question, " How did I get here?"

This morning, I had to be vulnerable with myself and account for the things that I may have carried into 2022. The space I am in isn't a bad one but it is a real one. 2021 found my heart in some spaces that I can tell you I was not prepared to stand in until I got there. What I can tell you about healing is that it is a forward progressing process. Some days are pretty and then some days are ugly. Every day forward is necessary though. The space I am sharing from is one that has come with understanding the freedom found in vulnerability.

This world and society we live in will have you believing that vulnerability is a weakness when it's really not. Vulnerability is the grace you give yourself to be transparent in how you feel or how you have been made feel. It opens up a connection that surpasses the surface of the personas we like to put on everyday. I realize that the average person would rather run from how they feel than face how they feel. I was this person, transparently, I am still in some ways this person. 2021 forced me to tap into vulnerable spaces within myself and it was absolutely uncomfortable each and every time.

I had to really sit down in each moment and consider where my heart-posture towards the person or given matter was coming from. I allowed myself to feel how I felt, oftentimes in silent processing before choosing to speak. It was not comfortable in any way sharing that I was processing through something because I had been so used to just ignoring people. For so very long I operated and felt as though I didn't owe anyone an explanation for anything. I discovered maintaining that mentality in itself comes from place of cowardice, lack of accountability, the need to control, and avoidance. Dealing with that truth alone was eye opening to say the least. I had to sit with myself and my feelings so that I could in turn have productive conversations about how I felt and how I had been made feel. There is something unsettling about saying to someone " You hurt my feelings." Nothing about acknowledging that out loud to someone else seems strong at all when it is really the most powerful and emotionally pivotal thing you can say. I had to choose to focus on communicating the point or the violated principle, and not the emotion because the emotion is always temporary. Anger is fleeting, offense in held in pride can be forever. Emotion is the dangerous space where the perceived and felt offense can lead us into remaining offended. Remaining offended is where a lot of our lives have stopped and are stuck. Choosing to be transparent about how you authentically feel can change the course of any relationship. I can honestly say that I started out 2021 being emotionally reactive and ended it being vulnerably proactive, 2022 is better in many ways because of this.

It is sometimes in the quiet of the morning after that God does His best work. I sit here typing from a vulnerably safe place. I pray that you allow 2022 to find you safe in yours.

Healing Is A #HeartPosture ~ Kesh C.

.